Oh Mixtapers, La Crosse is making waves again and nobody had to be called fat or be convicted of murdering their parents, so we take that as, you know, some small sense of progress. Now La Crosse can be seen every week as the backdrop for the misadventures of the Grand River Singers and their VH1 reality show “Off Pitch,” detailing the highs and lows of trying to entertain the masses as a show choir. While it sadly lacks the STD outbreaks of the “Flavor of Love” franchise or the family friendly wig-snatching of “Love and Hip Hop,” “Off Pitch” offers up its own magical mix of never-constant emotional breakdowns, cheerfully half-baked musical performances and an inordinate amount of sequins. In honor of the show we have this Mixtape we‘re dubbing, “This Mixtape Loves a Good Jazz Hand.”
We kick off the Mixtape with Lana Del Rey’s “Young and Beautiful” from “The Great Gatsby” soundtrack because GRS is filled with a lot of young and beautiful folks willing to make total fools of themselves on national television for the slim possibility of garnering some sort of Z-list level of fame. And we honestly mean that as a compliment in our own bitchy way because being on a reality show takes, aside from an unhealthily high amount of narcissism, a supreme amount of resolve to put up with all the critiques you’re going to get from a-holes like us.
Our next song on this Mixtape is “Entertainment” from Phoenix’s new album “Bankrupt!” as people have been fairly divided on whether the alleged entertainment provided by “Off Pitch” is the best or worst things to happen to La Crosse. Go to any message board from our local news stations or La Crosse Tribune and you’ll read all types of hilarious critiques because message boards are like Petri dishes for hyperbole to grow. We don’t know if this is the best or worst thing, but we do know that for a town that was, for most of our lives as residents here, known around the United States as that place where people ended up in the Mississippi River, we’re pretty sure it can, you know, withstand some off-key singing.
But we’re ever the helpful types and if there is a season two of “Off Pitch,” we have some helpful suggestions. This leads us to our last song for this mixtape, “Sing to the Moon” by Laura Mvula from her debut album also titled “Sing to the Moon.” Number one, more tears. There should never be a moment where somebody isn’t sobbing. Number two, do shows at even odder places. If you can play a Cow Pie Festival, you should be open to Swingers Conventions. And number three, get La Crosse celebrity Peaches to be your new choreographer. She could very well be La Crosse’s answer to Twyla Tharp.

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