Our scene opens with Barack and Michelle Obama bustling about a large Thanksgiving table. With the variety of seats available, it appears that the Obamas will be having quite a few guests show up for their little holiday get together.
Barack *struggling with a handful of dishes*: Whoa! Damn, almost lost the mashed potatoes again. Who would’ve thought making sure everybody’s happy would be so difficult?
Michelle: *Sigh* Don’t worry about it, sweetie. You know, you can’t make EVERYBODY happy. All you can do is the best you can.*kisses him on the cheek*
Barack: Thanks, dear. I keep forgetting I can’t hope to solve everything at once, what with the economy, health care and Afghanistan all taking time away from my master plan to re-educate the youth of this country into my personal goose-stepping army to quash any dissent that this pitiful country may attempt to offer up.
Barack and Michelle *Staring at the camera together, unblinking*: HOPE AND CHANGE. UPON THEIR GRAVES. HOPE AND CHA-
*Doorbell rings*
Barack: Wha? Oh, they’re here!
Michelle: Honestly, Barack. I don’t know why you invited them all. I mean, Joe I can understand, but everybody who’s been gunning for you since day one? It’s just crazy…
Barack: Bitch, please! I told the all those poor losers — I mean voters — that I was going to reach across the aisle and start a new era of bipartisanship And that means inviting those who have the biggest problem with me to dinner. Who knows, maybe we’ll reach common ground and get some things finished. Besides, I’ll have Joe here in case things get crazy.
Michelle: …Alright, if you’re certain. I’ll go let them in.
Sarah Palin: Howdy y’all! Oh, Michelle I love what you’ve done with the turkey, but…*looks surprised* you didn’t fry it?!? By the way, did you pick up my new book this week! I’m going rouge!
Barack and Michelle look at each other with a mixed look of shock and disgust.
Michelle: I think you meant “rogue.”
Joe Biden: Hey, buddy! Glad to make it! Wanna go catch a beer in front of the game?
Barack *carrying a dish of sweet potatoes*: Well, I’m a little busy at the moment…
Biden: Alright, just let me know if you need anything. Ain’t nothing like watching a good game, huh? “Life During Wartime” my ass! *Grabs a Miller, farts and burps simultaneously, and wanders into the living room.*
Michelle Bachmann: Hi everybody! Oh, don’t mind the ticking package, it’s just a gift for my favorite president! How are the re-education camps goin — I mean how’s educational reform going?
Barack: Well, I’ve been kind of busy lately. …
Bachmann: Oh, don’t worry about it! Now, where are you sitting? I want my gift to be sitting right next to you when it…
Barack: When it what?
Bachmann: …Is finally revealed! That’s all! Geez, you’d think you have people gunning for you, like there’s a group of people lacking rational thought and informed opinions stockpiling weapons in case of a full blown civil…
Tea Partier *Removes his tri-corner hat*: I hope I’m not too late.
Michelle: Oh, not at all. Thank you for joining us!
T.P.: Of course. After all, my great love for this country and all that it has to offer has brought me this far, right into the den of the Hitler-Stalin-Antichrist for me to finally prove to Jesus my loyalty for this great nation.
Barack: Ummm, yes. Well, you can grab a seat right over there. By the way, do you know Michelle Bachmann? I think she brought a gift for you, right over there.
T.P.: Ah-ha! A gift from one of the few who dares to speak the truth! Thank Hannity, this gift will not be ignored! Praise be to Levine!
Tea Partier grabs Bachmann’s gift and runs out of the house. Glen Beck enters the dining room as a faint explosion is heard in the background.
Beck *visibly shaken*: Folks, I’m just so…so…*grabs a handkerchief* damn proud of this country, and this holiday. I want everybody here to remember the feeling you had eight years ago, on that first Thanksgiving after 9/11. It’s a new project I’m starting called the “11/22 Project” and I want you. YOU. To remember how you felt on that fateful day when you stuffed your face full of turkey mere months after the worst tragedy God’s country has ever witnessed.
Barack: That’s, umm, that’s great Glen. Please, have a seat next to Michelle over there.
Beck: Thank you. I’m glad to see you’re finally starting to get over your racism of white people.
A clearly drunk Joe Wilson stumbles into the dining room.
Barack: Joe! I told you to be here over 30 minutes ago!
Wilson: YOU LIE!
And so, another Thanksgiving at the Obama’s Chicago home came and went without event, except for Glen Beck’s dr amatic retelling of his novel “The Christmas Sweater” to a bored and very sleepy audience. Truly, a Thanksgiving for the history books (re-written liberal history books, of course)! Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!
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